No Clue

This writing thing is hard. Perfection mania lures around every corner, waiting to jump on the unsuspected writer (me) blinking in the same beat as the cursor on the white page. (crazy thing to do, and very tiring, I can tell you that).

I know from reading blogs, watching youtube, browsing twitter this is what writers go through. And in the last couple of years of me trying to become a (published) writer I’ve learned a couple of things about myself as well. Here goes:

  • I Hate what I write/love what I write/hate what I write. Continue until novel is finished.
  • I overthink everything. If you stare and ponder words long enough, they all sound wrong somehow. All of them.
  • I flinch at character charts because I don’t want to write about my characters, I just want to write them. Honestly I blackout when I write about them, because most of the time I don’t even know what they look like, until their comb gets stuck in their thick curls or they get sunburnt so bad, freckles are no longer visible. Sometimes they unknowingly change their names halfway through a story.
  • I am terrible at planning a story structure. I panic when I read things as: midpoint, where all is lost/nuggets of truth are discovered etcetera.
  • This does not mean my stories don’t have a structure of some sort.
  • The most funny one so far: I AM TERRIBLE. Why? Well considering the goal: become published, I need to put myself out there. I wrote over 5 novels and shelved them. Without querying. Because I think they aren’t good enough. I always think the next one will be better. (usually true).
  • I don’t have a linear brain, it goes back and forth, up and down.
  • I am a deadline addict. Without one I’m lost.

So considering the last line, I’m doing nano again. Spilling words on the page into a story that isn’t a story (yet), no editing. I am nowhere near the recommended daily word count but at least I’m giving myself permission to write awful descriptions, flat characters and hop from one scene to another. The best part of writing is when my brain subconsciously produces something on the paper. And I haven’t a clue how it got there.

(I am not even rereading this post whahahaha. Sorry. Yes I added that sorry on purpose just so I can count the words).

 

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Eat Dessert First

I started writing my Draft That Must Not Be Named with this quote by Ernestine Ulmer in mind.

“Life’s uncertain …

eat dessert first.”

It hits the core of my story because:

  1. My MC has an uncertain life
  2. Her family has a restaurant that only serves desserts
  3. It tells me what I need to hear (over and over again)

I’ve always known I was a writer. I have been writing stories since I was four and never really stopped. I strayed away sometimes but always returned to putting words on paper.

So Irene (yes talking to myself here) why am I waiting to really pursue this goal?

To be honest: a part of me is afraid to fail. More honest: I’m trying to trick myself to not be me.

Which is stupid and crazy, but true. Maybe I’m trying to protect myself, or others, but I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t outrun myself.

So where am I?

I’m at a point in my life where I can face myself and no longer pursue time-consuming things that prevent me from writing. I have a job I like, a job that gives me the freedom to balance my life. Writing is going well. Editing is going well, my draft is turning into a story, it’s fast paced, surprises me at times and is really NOT BAD.

I guess it’s time to stand still, examine my surroundings with a fresh eye and eat dessert.

I Like the Click

I mentioned in my New Year’s post that I’ve got two big goals for this year. Learning a bit of Russian and finish a  new shiny bright glimmering in the moonlight draft of Novel That Has A Name but Does Not Deserve it Yet.

I started Russian lessons two weeks ago and the language is really cool. I like the analogue part of having to think about writing the letters of the Cyrillic alphabet, and I feel all Indiana Jones-y deciphering words.

Здравствуйте

Just look at that word! It’s formal for ‘Hello’. HELLO.

So so pretty. I’m kind of a nerd when it comes to languages so you’ll have to forgive me.

Anyway. Besides the lesson once a week I try to spent 10 minutes of every day practising letters or learning new words. Yesterday something awesome happened.

I felt The Click.

I didn’t have to look up the letters anymore and could read a lot of words. It ‘s possible that my brain had enough input to provide me with a translation without me being consciously aware of it, but I know this feeling very well.

It also happens sometimes when writing. When chapters and pages seem like endless loose parts of colourful Lego blocks and then suddenly The Click happens and you’re able to see a clear image of what the building should end up like.

I like The Click.

It’s what I’m looking for in life. The feeling of being on the right track. The opposite feeling of The Click is stepping on a Lego block when NOT wearing shoes. Sorry for the metaphors, I also like Lego.

The Sea, the Fox and the Coffee cup

No, I’m not writing a peculiar version of a Narnia novel, but I did threw together these characters from my novel in planning to create a title because it sounded cool and Narnian. ( I know that a coffee cup isn’t a character but Narnia had a wardrobe so I think I can get away with a cup).

I’m writing a story about the Sea, the North Sea to be specific. I think the North Sea is unintentionally turning out to be The Bad Guy. The one that takes, but can’t be taken. Not that my main character isn’t going to try. She is stealing water from the sea, capturing it in glass jars. And now the Sea is coming for her.

Or at least I think it’s going this way. 🙂

How fun it is to be a writer and have absolutely zero clue what you are doing.